Waking up a different person.

I’m not a stranger to change to shedding layers of identity, to parts of my life ending, some suddenly, others after lingering for too long. Rarely any regrets, as I often reshaped my world many times to make space for a re-emergence - into who, what, where I will be next. I’ve lived so many lives in this body I call home. Right from the start of this life’s journey, leaning into the unknown has been a strong undercurrent of my life.

Life has taken me on many pathways, so many crossroads, so many dead ends. From 7 schools to many different workplaces, career choices, studies, images and lifestyle choices (who remembers cross colours? Yes, I did that phase). Always a feeler, a lover with deep friendships, many love stories, my fair share of unhealthy relationships, and even a divorce in my 20s.

I’ve lived in more homes than I can remember. Before I was 10 years old, I had wandered across Australia, having lived in 3 different states. As an adult, I’ve made my way around pockets of Melbourne, originally being from the North, settling as a Mum in the South. Exploring everything in-between. There was even a couple of years living in Tokyo. From a young age I became a somewhat skilled social chameleon. Shedding, shifting, changing but ironically rarely blending in.

Let’s not forget the massive, unplanned identity shift to becoming a Mum. I literally bounced off the Revolver dance floor and straight into motherhood… times 2. My party girl identity was stubborn, risk-taking and forever looking for adventure. After some resistance and yes, quite a few fuck ups, I found the courage to face an unhealthy alcohol dependency in my 30s.  I needed to make some changes, and I just knew at my core that meditation was the answer. That’s when I found Buddhisim, and that is where my adult spiritual roots began.

After years of seeking a deeper understanding of myself and life through study, exploration and practice of philosophy and spirituality, I had finally landed in my bones. I was exactly where I was meant to be, or so I thought. My identity, this Carla character was clear.

I was racing through life, yoga mat slung over shoulder, earphones in listening to intimacy podcasts for studies, sharing life experiences and philosophy through my classes, workshops and relationships. Living life on my terms, with love and authenticity. My identity was clear; a yogi, dancer, meditator, mindfulness practitioner and embodiment facilitator. I helped humans explore the layers of their mind-body connection, to create deeper intimacy with self, to hold themselves, all while passionately living in the present. Oh, was I passionately living in that present moment.

Known as the “spiritual” Mum, the chatty Mum, the fun Mum. The super chill, wife, the hot wife, the always up for an adventure wife. The “pretty girl” who is well and truly now a woman entering her middle age with some resistance and challenging my relationship with vanity. The friend who loves deeply so free of judgement you can share your wildest, weirdest sides with. The daughter who provides comic relief and timely insight, also still the child who needs to visit my parents’ home when needing a break from my adult life.

At 42 just turned 43 my character, my identity, the suit I was wearing was well-formed. Not just a suit, it was truly me to the core. It was comfortable, my life had a direction, purpose and lots of plans.

Fast forward one second. In a flash, everything changes.

I am presented with my mortality. Is this real?

That is how I woke up each morning for the first two weeks. My eyes would open. Is this real? Then it hits me, my body becomes tense. It’s very real.

Then everything moves quickly. It gets fast, so fast, with scans, doctors, hospitals. This is serious. Everyone around me is moving so quickly. I need to change direction. Quick. Stop. Pause life. Pause the Carla character.

Then it begins to slow down, slowing down, until everything slows right down. The life that I suddenly had paused comes to a stop. I step away from society, from teaching, exit my studies, cancel my upcoming events. The character and the life I worked hard to build begins to stop. My identity as I knew it changed.

It’s taken some time for me to catch my breath here. Now I feel so far away from the person I was. There is sadness and grief but it’s not all bad, it’s kind of liberating not having to be that version of me. I was exhausted. Obviously (read here – https://www.carlalewinsmith.com/carlas-open-book/how-did-this-happen). 

Life has invited me, or you could say forced me to change. To shift. To re-examine what is true for me. To shed, to go inward, to trust, to surrender. And I don’t mean wave the white flag surrender; I mean trusting in the path that is unfolding in front of me. Funnily enough, that is the affirmation I wrote on my mirror at the start of the year.

I am courageously and openly trusting in the path that unfolds in front of me. I am.

So here I am now, taking my time, feeling each footstep as I walk through life, chemo port inserted below my shoulder, lying in bed listening to spiritual and philosophy teachings, journaling, being called to practice self-study, getting comfortable in the uncomfortable as I shedding layers of myself. Of my identity. Of the character I was.

Shedding the layers of my identity sometimes brings a feeling of lightness, of relief, an unburdening, a step towards liberation. Other times it hurts, it resists, clings and when it finally has no choice but to fall away it leaves a feeling of emptiness, of sadness, heaviness and I’m overwhelmed with grief.

I’ve been here before, but the stakes have never been this high. Many times, my life has changed dramatically, change thrust upon me, usually by a conscious choice I made. Some assisted by others. There have been some extreme changes I have made along the way, others small and subtle. However it happened, I’ve always welcomed it. I’ve lived a very transient life; change is part of who I am. I embrace it… maybe a little too much at times. I’ve definitely used change as an escape, carelessly leaving damage behind. (Sorry to anyone reading this who is familiar with the asshole version of me in my 20s).

This time though, it feels a lot more wild, untamed, caught me totally of guard and I don’t know what is on the other side.

My world completely shaken, cocooned in love as I heal, as I transform. My soul called forward to lead, to guide, to take me deeper.

These are my words.

This is my truth.

This is my path.