How did this happen?
Let’s address the elephant in the room.
I’ve had so many people ask how is it possible this happened to you? How did you find out?
How did I, me, the super active, health conscious, alcohol free, mindful, positive, kind, loving, body aware human end up with stage 4 cancer? Oh, I forgot to add humble. Incredibly humble lol.
So let me start by sharing my exact diagnosis. I have 1 tumour in my colon that is my primary cancer. This tumour has perforated my bowel wall and spread to my liver. I have 4 tumours in my liver, one the size of a billiard ball! This is not liver cancer; this is colon cancer in my liver. A very big difference and much more manageable. The cancer is contained in my liver. Thank you, liver, I’m so glad I have treated you so well over the last 6 years.
So, when did the symptoms begin and what were they?
This time last year, and all through this summer, I was at my physical, mental and emotional fittest. I was in much better health at 42 than I was at 22 or 32. I had loads of energy, was teaching and attending multiple yoga, dance and meditation classes each week, delivering workshops, holding events, working 1:1 teaching embodiment tools to women and sharing my passions at festivals. I was super active with my 2 boys who are always on the go. Taking aging seriously in my 40’s I had begun strength training and walked the dog most days. I ate well, slept well and lived life to it’s fullest.
My marriage was on whole new levels of communication, love, ease and harmony. Win and I had a new lease on life as the kids were getting older and we were enjoying new freedoms with many social relational changes around us. It boggles me to think I had cancer whilst doing all of this! I mean how far along was it then??
February this year was month of beginnings and endings. High school started for Jasper, last year of primary school begun for Tobias. My summer of fun and self discovery abruptly ended as a new work role started and I began a massive new undertaking, training in women’s sexual health and education. I had new workshops to deliver, the kids had new activities and new friends, and Win was always up to something new… daily lol.
March, I was stressed and not coping particularly well. I kept noting how much had happened in February and that I just needed to find my new groove. I wasn’t sleeping well. Always exhausted and my energy was so low that I started to fall asleep regularly in my meditations. Whilst practicing and teaching the physical aspect of yoga (asana), I was aware that I wasn’t as strong. Just ever so slightly at first and then with every class I noticed it a bit more. I became sad. Sad a lot. Distant and depressed at home. Overly bubbly everywhere else to compensate for the lack of energy. I put it down to stress and being overwhelmed. I would be ok once I found my groove.
April was when the typical bowel cancer symptoms kicked off. It started with abdominal pain and changes in bowel habits. I’ve always had a sensitive gut and have expressed stress like this. On my 43rd birthday I went to see my GP. I had had diarrhea for 2 weeks and had my first big haemorrhoid. I explained what was happening, discussed diet changes and got some meds to get rid of the haemorrhoid. All signs pointed to an IBS flair up.
May. 2 weeks later, I went back to my doctor. Although the haemorrhoid was better my bowel changes were worse as were my stomach pain, the blood in my stool, and the pain in my lower back. I kept saying that it felt structural to Win, to my doctor, to my friends. I was talking about it a lot. Next step was a stool sample and blood works to test for bowel diseases and cancer. The results came back negative! My blood results showed slightly elevated white blood cells, but I had just had a cold so we put it done to that. Time to look at more dietary changes and better stress management.
June. So, my answer was a strict LOW FODMAPs diet which my beautiful husband created, cooked, and ruled with a delicious iron fist. We were going to fix my gut, get me feeling better, and figure out what foods were triggering me. For 5 weeks we ate so, so, so well and adhered to the strict diet. I would seem to get a bit better and then it would go backwards and I would feel worse. We were due to start the food reintroduction phase, but I wasn’t ready. I was still having gut and bowel problems. By this stage I had lost 3kgs and was having Panadol every day to manage pain in my sacrum (where I now know the tumour was pressing against), still experiencing irregular bowel habits, and was so fucking tired all the time… wearing a big beautiful brave smile in public and being a shell of myself at home.
July, I went back to my doctor and requested a colonoscopy and gastroscopy. I got the paperwork and booked it for when returned from our holiday.
I’m so glad I did both those things. Asked for a colonoscopy and had a holiday. We had 2 weeks to see family and friends in Gold Coast and Brisbane. I spent quality time with my best friend in Brisbane and her husband and girls, who are like our family. We saw special friends that Win and I hadn’t seen for a while who are crucial to our support system as we journey this. We spent time with my in-laws and my Godmother who I have a deep love for. We re-engaged our family and friends up North at the perfect time! Then we had a week of bliss and connection just the 4 of us in Cairns. I’m so grateful we had this fun, easy, relaxing time together before this all started.
August. Just after Jasper’s 13th birthday, I went to get the procedures. Preparation was yuck, but geez I love the feeling of going under. Last thing the doctor said to me as I went under was “It sounds like IBS, lets confirm it’s not cancer so you don’t have to worry.” I wasn’t worried.
When I woke up in recovery I could hear bustling around me; nurses tending to other patients, doctors giving results. It was taking a long time; something was starting to feel off. Then I saw Win walk into the room. My first thought, Oh fuck why is he here? The look in his eyes, Oh fuck why am I here? Win sat down. The doctor came in.
“Carla, I have shit news, you have cancer”.
Fuck. Win grabbed my hand.
Things moved quickly from there. I was shown pictures of my tumour and given an appointment for the next day with a leading Bowel Surgeon. The MRI and CT scans had already booked. I knew I had cancer, but it would be another 4 long days waiting to find out what stage.
Monday 25th August at 5.06pm
“Carla, it’s not good news. The cancer has spread. You have stage 4 cancer”.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My kids.
The words that followed.
“Carla, you are seeing one of the best oncologists.”
“We have already spoken, and we agree that chemo will start soon.”
“You will meet him tomorrow and we already know which liver surgeon to use.”
“The plan hasn’t changed.”
“We are still going to try and cure you.”
So that’s the story of how I found out I have stage 4, colorectal cancer, also known as bowel cancer.
I am not alone here. Statistic from the Victorian Cancer Registry shows there has been an alarming 65% surge in bowel cancer in Victorians aged 25-49.
The challenges and medical interventions ahead aren’t impossible, are manageable, doable but it will be hard. Lucky I’m capable of doing hard things. It’s not my first hard thing rodeo but definitely my biggest!
During this major medical rodeo, I have had to put my business on pause, which means I won’t be earning an income for quite some time. Although we have medical covered, I am learning quickly. Cancer is expensive, chemo is really hard, and life doesn’t stop!
This is not a time to be proud, it’s time to ask for help to reduce the financial strain and stress for our family so I can get over the not-contributing guilts, pay the bills and focus on what important. Healing, resting, getting rid of this cancer and getting better so I can hang around for longer in this life. I would really like to do that!
Here is a link to my cause page:
https://www.mycause.com.au/page/379453/carlas-support-angels
Much love,
Carla xo